Closer to you

You are trying your best making me

 feel things I don't wanna feel

Making me jealous, making me upset and insecure,

Making me doubt of your intentions

Yet making me feel like I want to get closer to you 

even though I'm not sure that 

I even like this new aspect of you

But that's the reason why

I can't seem to get you out of my head

It wasn't enough to let u go and ignore 

You came right back crawling to me 

You know that I like it when I'm under your control 

Things get hot and spicy 

You know that I want to you to

Make you hear me screaming your name

Make me feel something I won't forget  

But you say it's not the right thing to do 

Yet you came right back crawling to me, 

every time, one after another

A girl

It's funny, how you, a girl

don't even know what damage you did to me.

How hard it is for me to trust in people anymore.

I am surprised I am where I am,

and that I have had the courage to go after what I wanted.

You were the only person I told "I love you",

just in spite of not losing you.

And still I ended up doing just that.

I always thought you were the best thing that happened to me.

No one ever noticed me like you did.

I never saw that you just used me,

because I gave you the attention you so desired,

and even my mom became to treat you like her child. 

Today I was talking about you with her,

 and I was finally able to admit that something so petty like you,  

broke me so bad, 

yet still I've got life that I didn't expect to have

 even when I still knew you. 

And like a deer in the headlights, I meet my fate

I've always believed in fate, 

but at the same time,

I've always been completely faithless.

Fate is the reason I am where I am,

 so I would like to say.

Not my fate in God or people, 

that's nonexistent,

but my fate in that life has chosen our paths,

 and every small thing you do 

shapes your life towards your fate,

how it is supposed to be.

I've recently started to question this 

unbelievable thing called fate 

and I just feel like I'm going to burn it to ashes. 

Pure genius

Disconnected from the world again 

And no, the sun don't shine in the place I've been  

So, why you keep acting like I don't exist?

Yeah, I feel like I'm ready to die, 

but I can't commit

So I ask myself, when will I learn?

I'd set myself on fire to feel the burn

I'm scared that I'm never gonna be repaired

Put me out of my misery

My mind, it feels like an archenemy

Can't look me in the eyes

I don't know what hurts the most, 

holding on or letting go

Relieving my memories, 

and they killing me one by one 

        

I didn't know what love was until your light seeped into my world

Wondering how long can you ignore me?

How long can you ignore what is between us?

It's hard being the only one who's available, 

in every level, in every manner.

Deep inside, I wish I could stop time. 

You would be mine and only mine.

For as long as eternity last.

It is hard to be the one that's available, 

when you haven't even made your

feelings that comprehensible. 

But the situation is in control, so play pretend that it's all good

What used to be so easy for me, now seems to be one of the hardest things. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping and dreaming, but now I seem to just lie awake, relive my past in my mind, even if it would have been the past from an hour ago.

When did I last time remember what dream I saw? When did I fall asleep instantly? When did I not get bothered by small noises at night?

I'm not sure if all this is because I'm enjoying being awake more than asleep or because I'm too stressed to sleep or dream. Am I trying to live right now as much as I can, because I'm afraid it might not last forever or am I too exhausted for it? 

Can you even be too exhausted for this? 

Fatal touch, final thrill, love was bound to kill

I always hated you, even after I started loving you. I had reasons though, and those reasons weren't some shallow petty ones, you know it far better than I do. 

From the first time I saw you, I couldn't hide my affection, even though I thought I could hide all of my feelings, emotions from everyone. 

You looked like an dark angel and after I saw your tattooed chest and arms my heart skipped couple beats and my breathing thickened.  

It's funny how, I thought I could fool you and myself, and it took me such long time to realize that love and hate aren't so far away from each other. 

I've never had love like that before and I don't think I ever will or would even want to. That love was so passionate yet so tender, so deep and yet so shallow. It wasn't meant to last. 

But still, when I'm awake till dawn, I wonder are you also thinking all those nights we stayed together, made love 'till the sun rose and laid in bed together, my fingers touching every line of your tattoos. 

Now all I have from you are my memories I'm reliving every now and then, and the most beautiful tattoo on my thigh, where you secretly hid your initials. 

Count down to thunder, I think we're too close for comfort

And no, the sun don't shine in the place I've been

I don't remember how it felt to wanna die

I assume it's not worse than fear

Cause fear of losing, fear of losing anything 

Is way scarier than death 

    "The only way to cure an addiction, is to replace it with another"

The best quote I've ever heard, but it has nothing to do with me 

Sure, someone could say I spend a little too much time on pc

 and infuse myself with caffeine like water 

Or that I enjoy a little too much of our chats

Or that sometimes I might be way too loud, 

maybe I don't mind someone hearing?

But addiction? That's what my father had, 

and unfortunately I am very little like he was

Written 10.1.2022, In memory of my father. 

RL 25.01.1968-1.11.2021