But the situation is in control, so play pretend that it's all good

What used to be so easy for me, now seems to be one of the hardest things. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping and dreaming, but now I seem to just lie awake, relive my past in my mind, even if it would have been the past from an hour ago.

When did I last time remember what dream I saw? When did I fall asleep instantly? When did I not get bothered by small noises at night?

I'm not sure if all this is because I'm enjoying being awake more than asleep or because I'm too stressed to sleep or dream. Am I trying to live right now as much as I can, because I'm afraid it might not last forever or am I too exhausted for it? 

Can you even be too exhausted for this? 

Fatal touch, final thrill, love was bound to kill

I always hated you, even after I started loving you. I had reasons though, and those reasons weren't some shallow petty ones, you know it far better than I do. 

From the first time I saw you, I couldn't hide my affection, even though I thought I could hide all of my feelings, emotions from everyone. 

You looked like an dark angel and after I saw your tattooed chest and arms my heart skipped couple beats and my breathing thickened.  

It's funny how, I thought I could fool you and myself, and it took me such long time to realize that love and hate aren't so far away from each other. 

I've never had love like that before and I don't think I ever will or would even want to. That love was so passionate yet so tender, so deep and yet so shallow. It wasn't meant to last. 

But still, when I'm awake till dawn, I wonder are you also thinking all those nights we stayed together, made love 'till the sun rose and laid in bed together, my fingers touching every line of your tattoos. 

Now all I have from you are my memories I'm reliving every now and then, and the most beautiful tattoo on my thigh, where you secretly hid your initials. 

Count down to thunder, I think we're too close for comfort

And no, the sun don't shine in the place I've been

I don't remember how it felt to wanna die

I assume it's not worse than fear

Cause fear of losing, fear of losing anything 

Is way scarier than death 

    "The only way to cure an addiction, is to replace it with another"

The best quote I've ever heard, but it has nothing to do with me 

Sure, someone could say I spend a little too much time on pc

 and infuse myself with caffeine like water 

Or that I enjoy a little too much of our chats

Or that sometimes I might be way too loud, 

maybe I don't mind someone hearing?

But addiction? That's what my father had, 

and unfortunately I am very little like he was

Written 10.1.2022, In memory of my father. 

RL 25.01.1968-1.11.2021